ONE AFTER WEST TWENTY-NINE

(Music: ONE AFTER NINE-O-NINE, Lennon-McCartney) (info./disclaimers [0]) (glossary [0]) (index [0]) (gardening guide [0])

I said you'll find that lettuce in the bed after West Twenty-Nine
Just beyond the carrots, and before you reach the sign
Below the broccoli, above the peas
Directly downhill from those trees
I said you'll find that lettuce in the one after West Twenty-Nine

She said she had been looking in the bed after West Twenty-Nine
She'd peeled her eyes and she'd raked it with a comb real fine
She'd been through it once, she'd been through it twice
She thought she'd seen some baby mice
But she'd found no lettuce in the one after West Twenty-Nine

I said I made a real good system to keep these questions to a minimum
I numbered every bed East, Center, and West, so this kind of confusion would be addressed

I said it's clearly planted in the bed after West Twenty-Nine
We planted them real nice and we planted them in a line
I said I've come over once, I've come over twice
To spare further hassle I'll come over thrice
I swear I'll find that lettuce in the one after West Twenty-Nine

But when I got to that locality, I realized there'd been ambiguity
"After" might mean uphill or down, or to the east, and it was then I found ...

There was no lettuce in the bed after West Twenty-Nine
Not anywhere in sight, though I peeled my eyes real fine
I said mea culpa once, I said mea culpa twice
Mea maxima culpa, I guess I wasn't very nice
Because there is no lettuce in the bed above West ... oh
There is no lettuce in the bed below West ... oh
*There is no lettuce in the bed next to West ... oh
There is no lettuce in the one after West Twenty-Nine

Comments: *This is an extra line tacked onto the original tune.
Jam's high school French teacher required students who had committed errors to recite "mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa" (Latin for I'm a bloody sinner). While helpful in some ways, elaborate bed-numbering systems are notorious for poisoning person-to-person interactions.