APPENDIX: THE BEETLESS BOOTLEG -- GREAT LOST SONGS OF THE BEETLESS

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Jam, Pear, Joychoi and Rutabaga have been prolific lyricists and inexhaustible performers for years now. One of the great tragedies of the modern era is that in general they have held themselves to much higher standards than we have. As a result many of their works have never been recorded (even informally) or written down, and are no longer included in their stage shows. A veritable canon of titles has been lost, at least for the time being. This appendix includes what information we can gather about these "Lost Songs of the Beetless." We eagerly await correspondence from anyone who is able to supply lyrics to these lost Beetless titles.

AND I SLUG HUNT (Music: AND I LOVE HER, Lennon-McCartney)
A soulful exploration of a subject handled more upbeatly in HERE COME THE SLUGS. Lyrics lost.

AND YOUR BEES DON'T STING (Music: AND YOUR BIRD CAN SING, Lennon- McCartney)
Once the Beetless learn more about beekeeping they may resurrect this one.

BACK IN THE US OF CARS (Music: BACK IN THE USSR, Lennon-McCartney)
Pear scrapped this once he realized how car-dependent he was.

THE BALLAD OF WES AND WENDELL (Music: THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND YOKO, Lennon-McCartney)
Like Wes Jackson (see PERMACULTURE GARDEN), author Wendell Berry (The Unsettling of America, The Gift of Good Land, What Are People For?, Farming: A Hand Book, and many other titles) is a Beetless hero.

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALAN CHADWICK! (Music: BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR. KITE!, Lennon-McCartney)
Alan Chadwick brought the Biodynamic/French Intensive method of gardening to the United States, transforming a blackberry thicket into a beautiful biointensive garden on a steep hillside at the entrance to the University of California at Santa Cruz main campus. An agroecology apprenticeship program continues his work there. John Jeavons is his most well-known popularizer. Jam patched this song together from an apprenticeship brochure he found in the trash. Lyrics lost.

BLACKBERRY THICKETS FOREVER (Music: STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER, Lennon-McCartney)
Another tribute to Alan Chadwick, this song asked the question "What if ... ?" (In this case, what if Alan Chadwick had been thrown off campus when he first started ruffling administrators' feathers?)

BLUE-GRAY HAY (Music: BLUE JAY WAY, Harrison)
Not much is known.

CALLUSY, BLISTERY, SORE (Music: MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR, Lennon-McCartney)
An uncharacteristically whiny Beetless number, this was quickly deep-sixed.

COMPOST TOGETHER (Music: COME TOGETHER, Lennon-McCartney)
Though very difficult to sing, this song did have something going for it that other compost-related Beetless tunes do not: it mentioned the importance of starting each layer by building the edges first, then filling in the center, for better structural integrity. This was not enough to save it.

CSA DAY (Music: SEXY SADIE, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless' one and only attempt thus far to describe the workings of a Community Supported Agriculture project, this portrayed a typical harvest/pickup day. The clumsy cadence of many of the lyrics caused them to retract it, despite the importance of its subject. (See I WANT TO SELL YOU comments.)

A DAY IN THE LEAF (Music: A DAY IN THE LIFE, Lennon-McCartney)
Jam and Pear trade thoughts about photosynthesis.

DEAR RODENTS (Music: DEAR PRUDENCE, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless stopped singing this when GOPHER BITES proved more of a crowd-pleaser.

DON'T LET ME DROWN (Music: DON'T LET ME DOWN, Lennon-McCartney)
Fans protested that this "instructional" watering song was overly didactic and insulting.

DON'T STEP ON ME (Music: DON'T BOTHER ME, Lennon-McCartney)
Another case of rubbing fans the wrong way; the words of warning in SHE SAID RAISED BED, the Beetless decided, would have to suffice.

DRIVE MY TRACTOR (Music: DRIVE MY CAR, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless' romance with tractors was short-lived, as was this song. They could never get the timing right.

FOR NO SUN (Music: FOR NO ONE, Lennon-McCartney)
A ponderous exploration of all the different reasons a plant may have withered and died. After considering lack of nutrients, lack of water, insect attack, bird attack, gopher attack, slug attack, rabbit attack, deer attack, symphylan attack, disease, allelopathy, unfavorable weather, genetic weakness, improper pH, and ultraviolet radiation, Pear decides it must have been for lack of sun.

GET STACKED (Music: GET BACK, Lennon-McCartney)
A rocking Permaculture song about stacking functions and encouraging synergism. (See PERMACULTURE GARDEN.) Pear says he accidentally used the written lyrics as rabbit bedding, and can't remember them.

GLASS GREENHOUSE (Music: GLASS ONION, Lennon-McCartney)
Discussed the importance of proper orientation, adequate ventilation, thermal mass, and appropriate glazing and roof angles. The engineers in the crowd loved it, but no one else could get into it.

HAPPINESS IS THE WARM SUN (Music: HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN, Lennon-McCartney)
The title says it all. It's a shame this was lost.

HEY BULLFROG (Music: HEY BULLDOG, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless address the topic of natives vs. exotics. A nonnative invader on the Beetless' home turf, bullfrogs eat the native tree frogs. Parallel events in human history are disturbingly numerous.

HOE SNAP PEAS, HOE FAVAS (Music: OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA, Lennon-McCartney)
Snap peas and fava beans can both be grown overwinter in the Pacific Northwest -- a fact that this song celebrated. Because success with favas proved significantly easier than success with overwintered snap peas, the Beetless withdrew it pending revision.

I AM THE FARMER (Music: I AM THE WALRUS, Lennon-McCartney)
A strange one about farming and identity.

I DIG A POTATO (Music: I DIG A PONY, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless stopped doing this when they discovered that they could harvest potatoes by hand-picking from under mulch (see PAPERBACK MULCHER).

I SHOULD HAVE SOWN BETTER (Music: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER, Lennon-McCartney)
A belabored, self-castigating number about why seeds might not have sprouted as desired: planted too deep, too shallow, too thick, too thin, or from stock that had never matured, was poorly stored, was too old, was genetically inferior, of the wrong variety, of the wrong species, or a bad choice to begin with. Downer lyrics we don't miss.

I'M SOW-TIRED (Music: I'M SO TIRED, Lennon-McCartney)
Another uncharacteristically discouraged, discouraging lyric, written before the lads had learned to pace themselves.

THE INNER BITE (Music: THE INNER LIGHT, Harrison)
Contemplated the essence of the archetypal homegrown vegetable. Lyrics lost.

MARKETS ARE NEAR (Music: MARTHA MY DEAR, Lennon-McCartney)
An early foray into agricultural economics.

MELON SAYS PICK ME (Music: ELEANOR RIGBY, Lennon-McCartney)
An exhaustive "instructional" song about when different crops are ready for harvest. Regrettably, nobody came to its only public performance, and the Beetless dropped it from their repertoire.

P.S. I LOVE FOOD (Music: P.S. I LOVE YOU, Lennon-McCartney)
A catchy number, but all anyone remembers is the refrain.

REDISTRIBUTION (Music: REVOLUTION, Lennon-McCartney)
Cautiously wading into issues of land distribution, the Beetless just as cautiously retreated, and pulled this song back with them.

ROLL OVER J. LIEBIG (Music: ROLL OVER BEETHOVEN, Chuck Berry)
Baron Justus von Liebig, the father of reductionist soil chemistry, is told what to do with his theories.

THE ROOT CELLAR'S COOL -- USE IT (Music: ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC, Chuck Berry)
Though understandably dropped because no one could sing the verses, this did highlight an important technique that I WANNA FREEZE AND CAN mentions only in passing. Only the title remains.

SAVOY CABBAGE (Music: SAVOY TRUFFLE, Harrison)
An unusual tribute to a single vegetable, this was quite popular for a while until fans said they'd had enough of it.

SHE'S KNOWING HOME (Music: SHE'S LEAVING HOME, Lennon-McCartney)
A bioregional anthem to the joys of home gardening. We'd love to dig this one out again.

SLOPE DOWN (Music: SLOW DOWN, Larry Williams)
An intriguing but clumsy exploration of different factors in garden siting: not only slope but sun angle, shading, soil conditions, existing vegetation, historical use, drainage, proximity to buildings, integration with the landscape, and the overall "feel" of the site. A great idea but poorly executed and with an inappropriate title, it unceremoniously disappeared from the Beetless' performances.

THE TOOL ON THE HILL (Music: THE FOOL ON THE HILL, Lennon-McCartney)
The Beetless are working on a new song about tool care and the importance of putting away tools at night. This old one did more to offend garden helpers than to enlighten them.

TURDS OF LOVE (Music: WORDS OF LOVE, Buddy Holly
When THE TURD proved more popular and easier to sing than TURDS OF LOVE, the Beetless gladly made the switch. Few regret it.

WHEN I'M SICK AND SORE (Music: WHEN I'M SIXTY-FOUR, Lennon-McCartney)
A whiny number along the lines of CALLUSY, BLISTERY, SORE, this died a welcome death at about the same time.

WHILE MY DRIP TAPE GENTLY SEEPS (Music: WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS, Harrison)
An irrigation song that was never quite convincing, this may still be reworked into an irrigation song the Beetless can finally be happy with.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY INTERNS (Music: WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS, Lennon-McCartney)
Anyone familiar with the economics of small-scale organic farming will have no trouble guessing what this was about. Lyrics lost.

WITH YOU, WITHOUT YOU (Music: WITHIN YOU, WITHOUT YOU, Harrison)
Dating from one of Joychoi's most creative, philosophical periods, this song asked, "Is a garden without a gardener still a garden?"

YELLOW ZUCCHINI (Music: YELLOW SUBMARINE, Lennon-McCartney)
Addressed the problem of overripe vegetables. The Beetless apparently decided they'd "outgrown" the childish lyric, but many fans would love to have it back.

YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR GRUB AWAY (Music: YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY, Lennon-McCartney)
A cautionary number about labeling and securing private food stashes to protect them from human or rodent consumption. Like several others, this song proved too offensive to be either effective or appealing.